I usually don't get involved with conversations regarding breastfeeding as it's a personal choice whether you do it or don't. I would never like to judge anyone who didn't breastfeed because their reasons have nothing to do with me. I was somehow roped in to a conversation recently between two Mums talking about feeding their babies. One had breastfed and one had tried but couldn't. They both looked at me to share my feeding story however I felt slightly embarrassed and I'm not sure why.
With big J I didn't even try to breastfeed, I'm not sure why but I am assuming that 15 years ago it wasn't such a big thing. Maybe it was but for some reason I was oblivious and it just didn't even seem an option. Did I feel embarrassed telling these two women that I didn't even try to breastfeed my eldest? No I'm comfortable with my choice however I did feel uncomfortable telling them about little J and our feeding story.
When I was having little J the 'breast is best' was everywhere. Every appointment I attended it was mentioned at least once and there were posters, leaflets and even sticky post it notes with the slogan on. As there is a huge age gap between my two I did feel like a new Mummy again and was willing to take any advice that was thrown at me.
When little J was born I was ready for this amazing breastfeeding experience that I had been promised. I had bought everything we had needed and I even had a one to one chat and demonstration when little J was just hours old.
The reason I am embarrassed to talk about our story is because I felt uncomfortable throughout our breastfeeding journey. I wasn't enjoying it as much as I had thought, and I don't think little J did either. I am a worrier and I was constantly worrying that he wasn't getting enough. The first night at home I made Daddy run the Asda after midnight to get formula because little J looked so hungry. After a day or two I did get used to it a little more but I still wasn't enjoying it. I tried to express and it would take hours and not a lot came out. After 6 weeks I quit, I couldn't do it any longer.
I feel more embarrassed telling people that I tried and quit after 6 weeks with little J than saying I didn't try at all with big J.
Why is that? Maybe it's because I failed at something that I am supposed to do as a Mummy and I'm supposed to be good at.
I am trying to overcome my embarrassment and realise that 6 weeks was better than nothing and I tried. We should never be embarrassed about our parenting choices. We have to do whats best for us and sometimes that isn't always what we told is the right thing to do.
Michelle
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